29 Things Only a Woman with Menopause Would Understand

Written by Karen Mills on June 3, 2014

If you're on the midlife roller coaster otherwise known as menopause, hold on and enjoy these 29 things only women of a "certain age" would understand.

1. The way you carry your weight changes — you go from junk in your trunk to having it under your hood.

weight changes

2. When you have a hot flash, you wish you could run naked in the snow.


3. You have perpetual heartburn, so you top everything you eat with Rolaid sprinkles.

perpetual heartburn

4. Insomnia gets so bad that you can be seen on street corners jonesing for Ambien.


5. Your favorite song lyric is “Jumpin’ Hot Flash, I got gas, gas, gas.”


6. Your annual checkup reveals that you have gained 10 pounds and shrunk an inch.

weight gain

7. When the Wicked Witch in the “Wizard of Oz” screams, “I’m melting!” you know she’s not dying—she’s just having a hot flash.

hot flash

8. When you drive in traffic, you have to turn the radio down to see clearly.


9. You have to put your glasses on to hear.

need glasses to hear

10. You lose your glasses, only to find them on top of your head.

lose your glasses

11. Every time you sneeze, you wet your pants.

wet your pants

12. Spanx is your best friend.


13. Your skin itches so badly you feel like you need a flea collar.


14. You’re so exhausted that 9 p.m. is the new midnight.


15. When you do sleep, you wake up tired and can’t help wondering if you would’ve been better off doing something else.

wake up

16. When you go to the grocery store, you get a shopping cart to push your purse.

carry purse in shopping cart

17. You have to clean the seat in public restrooms because you no longer have the thighs to hover.

public restroom

18. One day you take a nap and wake up to discover you have a goatee.


19. Your “turkey neck” is getting so bad that when you hear that the president will pardon a turkey at Thanksgiving, you’re worried it will be you.

turkey neck

20. You know that you’ve forgotten something, but you can’t remember what it was.

cannot remember

21. Your underarm keeps waving goodbye long after you stop.


22. Your fingernails are so soft that they bend and break, but your toenails are so dry and hard, they look like Fritos.

soft fingernails

23. You wake up so stiff, you almost reach for an oil can.

wake up stiff

24. Night sweats give a whole new meaning to “wetting the bed.”

night sweats

25. Your thinning hair has you considering a comb-over.

thinning hair

26. To flash people at Mardi Gras, you only have to raise your shirt two inches.


27. You can’t tell your goose bumps apart from your skin tags.

skin tags

28. As soon as you pull your pants up after a bathroom visit, you have to pee again.

going to restroom

29. The only thing with any elasticity is the waistband of your sweatpants.

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